What Family Secrets Will People Share?

Last night I was the guest speaker at a meeting of a chapter of Na’amat in Toronto. Eighteen members were in attendance. Their response adds to my conclusion that The Unveiling has the power to free many people of the burden of keeping their own family secrets.

The main focus of the organization is fund-raising, and they had a full agenda planning for two upcoming events. They changed the order of their program to let me speak first so they would have more time for the business at hand. I didn’t think this was an encouraging start.

To my surprise, once I began sharing the family story, I had their full attention. They shook their heads in understanding at some parts of the story, they gasped at the description of David learning about his father’s mental illness.

When I finished my presentation, many of the women immediately shared stories of secrets their friends and families have kept, including mental illness of a parent or a cousin, mental retardation in a family, and even a cousin’s prostitution. One woman pointed out that even when a relative of hers was diagnosed with cancer, they were not allowed to talk about it.

The women repeated many Yiddish phrases that indicate how it is better not to talk about something that causes shame for the people involved. I was surprised at how much of these Yiddish sayings I understood. I remembered hearing these comments as I was growing up and how much pain it caused my mother to know they were talking about her family.

Just before people left, one woman came up to me, thanked me for my courage in sharing my family’s situation and announced: “I have a family secret, and I have no intention of telling anyone about it.” I wonder if she will change her mind after reading the book.

(Photo was taken at a study group my father attended while still a teenager in Lithuania. He is the first one on the left reading a paper.)

Deciding on a Book's Title

“It was a pity that with such a head the child had not been born a boy, destined for a life of study. A girl with such a head, when the child is very young, is like the ostrich…a bird that has been given wings but will never fly.” This is what people in the shtetl thought about intellectually curious girls.

I learned from my research of women in the shtetls that the ideal woman was submissive, docile, decorous, retiring, modest, patient and utterly devoted to family. She had no personal ambitions. In her own right, the woman was nothing except to bear and socialize children, and to provide a harmonious home conducive to men’s study and prayer.

A woman’s prayer was not necessary and did not benefit the community. It was considered a waste to educate women. It was felt by some rabbis of the era that “an educated female is a cinder in God’s eye.”

When I began writing The Unveiling, one of the titles I considered was Wings of the Ostrich, an ironic title to highlight my mother’s strength of character. Key to her life’s story was her love of education, the disappointment she felt when it was denied her and the level of her determination to help her children receive higher education. Instead, I chose the title The Unveiling to better encompass the theme of the book, the uncovering of family secrets.

However, many readers have commented that they see both my mother and grandmother as heroines whose resourcefulness and personal achievements secured their family’s survival and hope for the future. Rather than having wings that would never be used, they had strong shoulders upon which their children and grandchildren could stand as they strove for a better life.

Photo taken in Skvira shows my mother standing on chair, her Mother standing beside her and her sister standing in front.

How Do You Get a “Home Town Bounce” Marketing Your Book?

This is another question I've been asked, and it is not an easy one to answer. Even though I spent my childhood and early adult life in Pittsburgh, and still have friends and relatives who live there, I’ve spent more years in Toronto. So what is my "home town?"

I got my inspiration for the characters of The Unveiling from my family, with the result that much of the book is set in Pittsburgh. The story reflects the history of Pittsburgh’s immigrants. (Picture on left shows my grandmother, Anna Rubin, becoming a U.S. citizen. Standing with her is H.J. Heinz.) So I have been hoping for significant interest and a reasonable number of readers in Pittsburgh.

To date this expectation has been partly realized. Family members who live in Pittsburgh have been my best customers and PR people. So have close friends and colleagues, who have not only read the book, but ordered extra copies to pass along to other friends and associates. A few old high school friends heard about The Unveiling, read it, reconnected with me and encouraged others to read it. Other acquaintances have promised to speak with people they know in various organizations, encouraging them to invite me to speak about the impact of mental illness on families.

The biggest “home town bounce” has been the positive review in Pittsburgh’s Jewish Chronicle in late March 2010. I am aware that some people I know provided The Chronicle with review copies, so my carefully worded pitch email probably was not the reason for the review. And another “bounce” came during the past week when the owner of Bradley’s Books in Pittsburgh, after speaking with my cousin, Mel Solomon, decided to carry copies in two of his stores and to invite me to do signings.

I’ve had a few disappointments, probably because I am not presently a Pittsburgh resident. Other than the Chronicle, the Pittsburgh news media has shown minimal interest in The Unveiling. And the Carnegie Library of Squirrel Hill resorted to rigid national library policy as an excuse to rule out my making a personal appearance, despite welcoming “local” authors in the past.

More than getting a “home town bounce” in marketing The Unveiling, I’ve had a “family and friend bounce”. Relatives and friends give copies to associates, and this leads to invitations for me to speak to groups…in Toronto, Florida, Georgia and Maryland so far.

As an author who is responsible for my own book marketing, I’ve been following advice from other authors and public relations experts offered on the social media. Going after that “home town bounce” has been one piece of advice, and it is worth following, but it is only one part of a much more complex challenge.

CONNECTING IN PITTSBURGH

My Air Canada direct flight to Pittsburgh on April 23rd was smooth and uneventful. I had to wait only five minutes for the bus between the airport and Carnegie-Mellon University where one of my hosts, Joel Merenstein, was waiting to pick me up. The weekend began with Nancy Merenstein’s delicious Friday night dinner followed by friendly conversation.

The rain on Saturday did not spoil lunch at the Casbah Restaurant with Emil and Barbara Trellis. They have been among my strongest supporters since I shared an early manuscript of The Unveiling with them. They continue to go out of their way to bring the book to the attention of potential readers and reviewers.

Saturday night dinner was with close cousins at the home of Cyma and Jerry Dolan. My past visits with these cousins have always been special as we share memories of past joyful events and catch up on more recent activities. This get-together was remarkably different in a positive way.

During the last few months the cousins had read The Unveiling, and they say it gave them new insights into my mother’s courage. They wanted to know more about my father’s illness and felt comfortable asking about him. We all agreed that in the past people in the family did not talk about him or his mental illness. I felt lifted to another level of liberation as I shared more details with these cousins I care for so much.

Sunday brought a big surprise when I got the email from Lisa, my daughter, telling me she was flying to Pittsburgh to help celebrate the 100th birthday of my Uncle Jack Rubin, my father’s only surviving brother. Lisa and I were both delighted to see him looking well and able to share happy greetings with everyone. Being together with Uncle Jack, my cousins and their kids and grandkids and others who are close to the family was uplifting. (That's Jeff, Larry, Kenny Rubin and me in the photo.) My conversation with a distant cousin, whom I met for the first time, led to some information about my father that I had never heard before.

I made one last connection on Sunday night. Marlene Rebb, sister of Ann Stone, an old friend from Peabody High school, invited me to dinner along with Shirley Katz, who had been the Executive Director of the Foreward-Shady Apartments when my mother lived there. Shirley was enthusiastic about The Unveiling, and liked the idea that she actually inspired a character in one scene in the book. Not only did she remember the occasion, but she also recalled what she had said. Shirley and Marlene both promised to help spread the word about The Unveiling among their Pittsburgh network. The dinner was a delight, and the memories of my mother shared by Shirley put the finishing touches on a memorable weekend.

Why Did You Write This As Fiction and Not a Family Memoir?

When I meet with people who are interested in discussing The Unveiling with me, one of the most frequent questions raised is “Why did you decide to make this a historical novel rather than a memoir?”

Let me explain why I decided to write it as fiction.

From the beginning, my plan was to build this story around my mother’s life – to portray her family background, the early hardships of her childhood, her dreams and accomplishments, and her valiant efforts as a single mother enduring the stigma of a mentally ill husband.

The first time I interviewed my mother, she enthusiastically provided many hours of taped interviews. I was surprised at how many personal experiences she shared, although in a few instances, I convinced her to tell me things only by reassuring her that the book would be fiction and all names would be changed.

My mother’s memories of the sights and sounds of the pogroms her family suffered through always impressed young family members who became her audience through the years. Although she didn’t remember the historical sequence of some of the events, she gave me enough detail to allow me to draw upon historical research to confirm the information she provided and to use my imagination to fill in possible scenarios, consistent with factual records of the same time periods.

After interviewing my mother, I decided to speak with other relatives to strengthen the story that was emerging. Each interviewee added an important dimension, but they didn’t always remember things in a consistent way. And they all left some gaps in the story.

Writing the book as fiction allowed me to enhance some of the memories. It also enabled me to include dialogue that might have taken place as I tried to capture the voices of  the people and the humor in their Yiddish phrases.

I never intended this book to be a genealogical study of our family. I know some of my relatives have done such studies and have more information than I do about the genealogy. Because my mother had so many relatives, I had to leave some out who were not central to her story. I had to combine other characters, including many who were dear friends to my mother. I even imagined a few characters who could have played a significant role in the action. For me the important thing is that the book celebrates my mother’s courage and my family’s resilience…and those features are not fictional.

READERS CONTINUE TO COMMENT

The past months have been very gratifying as I continue to hear from people who have recently completed reading The Unveiling. I appreciate hearing from family and friends who want to share their reactions. Sometimes people see me and tell me in person. The following comments have been emailed.

"Dear Leah Rae,
A colleague of mine…gave me your book "The Unveiling" for Chanukkah last year. I read the book in a week and was quite taken with it…it was a treat for me to be able to read your work. The premise of your book is inspiring and I related to it very well. My mother's family suffers greatly from mental illness…I myself battled through two post-partum depressions. Now many years after those depressions I feel like a mixture of all of the siblings in your story, at times striving to understand, trying to raise awareness and battling an illness. I am the "town crier" in my family shouting, "let's call these illnesses for what they are, an illness, and get the help necessary"…

When the array of mental illnesses come into play, as they are now that my grandmother is dying of breast cancer, I hold tightly to the mental image of David standing on the podium, strong and proud, ready to get to work on making a difference for those with mental illnesses. I thank you for that image, and more importantly, I thank you for your book. I pray that it will help others who are compelled to deal with mental illnesses and that it helps bring about understanding in those who have not yet had to deal with mental illness. b'Shalom"

Techiya Loewen

Guelph, Ontario

"I was impressed by the history that she wove into the book along with her treatment of the issue of mental illness. I was touched and inspired by it."
Rabbi J. Schwartz, Temple Emanu-el

Atlanta, Georgia

"I have fallen in love with the characters in this book. What lives our ancestors had! I regret not discovering my own family's history. This book introduced me to a part of history I did not know about. Thank you, Leah."

Laura Cooper,

Toronto, Ontario

"Leah, I enjoyed your book immensely. The scenes of the devastation of [eastern] Europe were very effective, I thought, conveying the misery of the situation and the courage of the people. And the issue of mental illness, especially the changing (thank goodness) attitudes to it, was well dealt with. Thank you - it must have been a daunting work to undertake!"

Christie Bentham

Toronto, Ontario

What Has Been My Family’s Reaction to The Unveiling?

People attending my presentations about The Unveiling over the last few months have raised some interesting questions. I’d like to share some in my blogs. This blog is about a question I had no trouble answering.

Question – Since your book is about a topic that caused so much sadness among family members, what has been your family’s reaction to The Unveiling?

(Photograph shows family members on a visit to my mother who is sitting in the center.)

Answer – I did worry a lot about how family members would react. Would they think my depiction of characters hit the mark or would they find anything hurtful or embarrassing? Unfortunately, both my mother and my sister passed away prior to the book's publication although they both provided in-depth interviews and shared many personal memories during various stages of the writing.

I can honestly say that once family members close to me read the book, I stopped worrying because everyone was so positive.

My daughter, Lisa, and son, Philip, were readers of early drafts and offered ideas to help tighten the story. Lisa travelled from New York for the book launch and invited many of her friends to join her. My brother, Dr. Allen Rubin, has been wonderful, putting me in touch with his colleagues to review The Unveiling before it was published. He has been telling people about the book and has actually spoken to a group of professionals in the mental health field about some of his own experiences depicted in the story.

My late brother-in-law, Morley Harris, told me the book brought tears to his eyes, particularly how I showed the inner strength of my sister through Collette. My nephew, Bobby Harris, has spread the word among his network and helped arrange a speaking event at Temple Emanu-el in Atlanta. My niece, Cheryl Schwartz, gave copies of the book to friends and colleagues, continues to tell people about The Unveiling, and has invited me to speak with her Temple in Maryland about the book.

One cousin, Carol Swartz, not only offered to help with the proof-reading, but helped with marketing activities and arranged two events where I could do readings and signings. Another cousin, Larry Rubin, remarked “you nailed it” and has spent a lot of time helping to spread the word. Other cousins have told me how well I captured my mother’s voice through Ettie.

One amusing comment came from a person outside of the family who attended one of my readings. She said she thought I was unfair to one character. Rachel, not knowing that I based Rachel on myself.

Review Sparks Discussion about Mental Illness

A letter to the editor of Pittsburgh’s Jewish Chronicle by Dr. Emil Trellis one week after the review appeared takes issue with the reviewer’s description of Morton and explains how Morton’s mental illness, undiagnosed at the time, was the reason for the behavior.  Following is the letter from Dr. Trellis to Pittsburgh's Jewish Chronicle:

Mental illness overlooked

Your March 25 review of “The Unveiling” is much appreciated. Your comments about the struggles of a Jewish family in pre-World War I Ukraine along with the adjustment difficulties after arriving in America should certainly stimulate potential readers. Likewise, Ettie’s mothering success, for practical purposes as a single mother, is well noted.

It is from a retired psychiatrist’s perspective that I feel that there was too little emphasis of Morton’s mental illness and its devastating influence on the family. I didn’t feel that he was so much an “unreliable born loser” but rather his consistent self-defeating behavior, depicted rather early after his appearance in the novel, was more an early manifestation of his paranoid schizophrenia.

Subsequently his emotional deterioration with his ultimate lifelong confinement to Mayview resulted in much family hardship including profound shame, particularly on the part of Ettie and David. Ettie lived life posing as a widow. David, after learning he had a father who was mentally ill, shared in the shame and also supported strongly the family “secret.” It was through the shiva, initially opposed by Ettie, that she and David were able to resolve this psychic pain.

It is my opinion that there is still much lack of understanding and stigma regarding serious mental illness in our society today. The term “schizophrenia” is lightly frequently used to depict a situation with diametrically opposite views. This undercuts the severity of the illness. The individual patient and the involved family deeply suffer. Sadly, there is often no significant cure. I feel that with appropriate counseling, at least the stigma, as well as other issues, could be better resolved by all. Conceivably, this might be of interest and benefit to some readers.

Dr. Emil Trellis
Squirrel Hill

Positive Review in Pittsburgh’s Jewish Chronicle

How appropriate that the first review of The Unveiling by the print media appeared in Pittsburgh’s Jewish Chronicle! It has heightened interest both in the book and in the issue of how mental illness affects families. Thanks to all the readers who contacted me after seeing the review.  Following is a reprint of the review:.

‘Unveiling’ a real look at the lives of Jewish immigrants

by Lee Chottiner, Executive Editor

“The Unveiling,” by Leah Rae Lambert, is a deceptively interesting novel.

For the first 50 pages or so, the reader gets the impression that the most interesting aspect of this book is its references to local places. Lambert, formerly of Pittsburgh, incorporates actual streets, stores, institutions and neighborhoods from Pittsburgh into her story of an extended family sitting shiva for their estranged, deeply disturbed father and grandfather, Morton Burin.

The characters go to dances at the Irene Kaufmann Settlement, they shop in the Strip District and set up a business in nearby Vandergrift. Lambert even mentions The Chronicle, as the paper where Burin’s funeral announcement appears.

The book initially feels like another locally set novel, Thomas Bell’s “Out of This Furnace,” which tells the story of an immigrant family’s life in Braddock and was a popular read for many Mon Valley Jews.

But “The Unveiling” is more than a trip down memory lane. While we see the family gathering around their mother and grandmother — Ettie Burin — to recount the family story as the shiva draws on, we gain a sobering understanding of the personal lives of newcomers to America, and how the immigrant experience took its toll.

We learn how Ettie’s father, Yitzhac, after being attacked by bandits near his home village of Skvira, Ukraine, prior to World War I, leaves for America planning to work, save and send for his wife, Sarah, and their three children.

Eight years pass before their reunion. During that time, Sarah and the kids survive the Russian Revolution, the civil war that followed and numerous pogroms.

When reunited in America, Sarah and Yitzhac are not the same people. They are disappointed with one another, their relationship forever altered by the long separation.

The story picks up with Ettie’s marriage to Morton, an unreliable born loser who can be violent at times. Ettie stays with him only because she fears the humiliation of divorce. Morton frequently disappears for days, even weeks at a time. Finally we learn he has a mental illness, is hospitalized, and will never be well. The family goes on public assistance. All of this happens with World War II as the backdrop, and news of the Holocaust slowly coming out.

To be sure, “The Unveiling” is not a happy story, but it’s a hopeful story. Ettie’s kids are successful, well adjusted and reasonably happy. Most importantly, they use the shiva to come to terms with their family history. They don’t run from their story, they embrace it, constantly urging Ettie to tell all she remembers about her difficult life.

One gets the feeling they’re learning from her, symbolically standing on her shoulders to reach for something better. And isn’t that what the immigrant experience is all about?

Warm Reception in Atlanta

It was an honor to be invited by Rabbi J. Schwartz to speak to the Congregation of Temple Emanu-el in Atlanta on March 19th about The Unveiling and family experiences that inspired the book.

The sanctuary is lovely and the first part of the service was inspiring and joyful. The Rabbi then introduced me, explaining that she found my book moving and provocative. She mentioned that I was the aunt of Bobby Harris, a highly respected member of the congregation.

When I began to speak, and mentioned how pleased I was to be there with Bobby and his family, I almost choked up. I remembered him as a baby, the faces of his proud parents and the many years our families enjoyed spending special occasions together. I moved on and quickly began talking about the book, so I could keep it together. It was amazing how attentive everyone was.

Following my 20 minute presentation, a number of people had questions.  It soon became clear that mental illness in families is a serious issue that many are grappling with. Some people waited to speak to me privately about their own family experiences. I will be writing separate blogs discussing some of the questions that people raised.

Looking back I realize that the trip to Atlanta was an exceptional experience, not because of the number of books I sold, but because of the people I met and the issues they raised. Getting to spend time with Bobby and his family was a bonus. And the warmth and hospitality of Maxine and Jon Schein, my son’s in-laws, made everything move along as smoothly as possible.  I can't end the blog without mentioning

one of the highlights of the trip, Atlanta's Botanical Garden and its dazzling display of orchids.

Good Marketing News

I have a happy surprise to share today. For some time since publication of The Unveiling, I have been disappointed that The Unveiling was not yet available on the chapters.indigo online website.  I am very happy to report that I checked the website today, and it is now available.  So Canadian readers can now purchase a copy directly from various independent bookstores in Toronto, including The University of Toronto Bookstore, Israel's Judaica, Cavershams and The Women's Bookstore, and from both chapters.indigo.ca and amazon.ca.  This should please many of my colleagues who expressed concern about the importance of using Canadian outlets to market my book.

Island Memories

ISLAND MEMORIES

It hasn’t been easy adjusting to the cold weather in Toronto after three weeks on beautiful Marco Island, Florida where I combined a lovely beach holiday with two speaking events about The Unveiling. Marco Island is one of the loveliest Florida spots I’ve visited with its large beach, uncluttered streets and parks, mild weather and laid back atmosphere.

Part of the time we stayed in the home of my cousin, Carol Swartz, and her partner, David Malakoff to look after their dog, Lucky, while they were on a cruise. The new dog park a few blocks from their home was well designed and an amusing meeting spot for dog-owners as well as dogs. Lucky, a labrapoodle, did not play much with the other dogs. Her joy came from gathering all of the tennis balls she could find, bringing them to one spot and protecting them from the other dogs.

We spent the last week of our stay in a beachside condominium overlooking the Gulf. Waking up to the sound of the ocean was a special treat.

Carol hosted a luncheon and “meet-the-author” event at her home for her Newcomers’ group. Twelve people attended and most had already read The Unveiling. Their response was warm and encouraging, especially because several shared other stories they knew of families who had kept mental illness a secret. At the end, several women embraced me, and one invited Ray and me to a dinner at her home that weekend. The friendly and informal dinner added to our wonderful island memories.

The second event was a sisterhood luncheon at the Marco Island Jewish Temple. Again, several people had already read the book – thanks to Carol’s helpful marketing before I arrived. I was impressed by the intensity of the discussion as people shared stories from their lives. At the end, I even sold several more books.

We are looking forward to a return to the Marco Island area next winter and hope it will be for a longer stay. I’m also hoping I can schedule some similar events where I can present The Unveiling and encourage dialogue about the experiences I wrote about.

Comments from Readers

Since the book launch in November, many readers have written to share their reactions to The Unveiling. Some readers found the book's characters interesting. They are based on real people, some of whom appear in the picture to the right taken in 1954. (Names left to right: Leah Rubin, Anna Rubin, Corrine Rubin, Yetta Rubin and Allen Rubin.)

It’s been great hearing from people, and I hope I’ll be hearing from more of you.

Following are some of the comments from readers:

A book for all generations - "The Unveiling is a book for all generations to read and digest. The Burin Family could have been my family's experiences in Eastern Europe before relocating to America and most specifically Pittsburgh. I cannot wait for my family, friends and grandchildren to read this compelling book by Leah Rae Lambert about the dreams, fears and accomplishments of three generations within a family".
Ann Stone, amazon.com review - 5 stars
Jacksonville, FL

Most Poignant Revelation How One Family Overcame the Family "Secret."  It was a wonderfully written book. The stories of the early days of Jewish immigrants in Pittsburgh were authentic and personally meaningful. It also brings out the stigma of those times in dealing with mental illness in one's family.
Reader Review - 5 stars
barnesandnoble.com

"I want to take minute to thank you for "The Unveiling." This is quite a story and I assume an important family memoir though fiction. I especially enjoyed the shtetl experience and the coming over. I learned about Jewish custom (didn't know what shiva was - I'm from KY) and a language that seems to have music and humor. The MI and stigma issues are tough and don't go away and few of us will cope as well as Ettie. I see this thoughtful book as a song of hope where hope is badly needed. You are a good story teller. Write another."
Charlie Sanders
Austin, Texas

"Fabulous book… During a recent cottage stay I simply could not put the book down and was, at times, very moved. What a story! There are so many facets and perspectives captured with such incredible insight!
The book deserves to be a bestseller!"
Sigrid Fessor
Toronto, Ontario